some things just are

This is going to be an odd post.  This is very personal and the only reason it is here is because I want my family and friends to be informed, but I don't want to re-write this.  Once is more than enough. 
I got a rather interesting piece of certified mail this week.
On Wednesday I went to the post office after my Music Theory class to get this package.  I showed the lady my ID, signed the receipt that says I acquired the mail, signed the electric screen thing, verified my address....all those loops and then said, "Alright.  I've never gotten Certified mail before" and the lady at the desk said, "Well it must be important".

It was a Christmas Card.  I'm not kidding.  I didn't take a picture of it- but it is like this one

This is a singing taco.  Mine was a singing glass of
Champagne.  It sang a "Holiday Cocktail song".

Nothing else was in the flat rate envelope.  But inside the card was a letter.  Verbatim.

Dear Aria,

This is my first time to write a letter to a church member.  I would like to have a pen pal writings to you and to your mormon Lady friends to ease my depression and requesting to send me your pretty colhered  picture to sketch you a charcoal portrait as a token remembrance.  From me, responding to my letter I will cherished it.  If you come back to Vegas I proposed to invite you to a "Kareoke" Filipino Food Restaurant.  I missed your amazing voice dearly.  

The following is literally EVERYTHING I know about the sender:

  He is a new member in my home ward.  I don't remember knowing of him before this summer.  He told funny stories on fast Sundays (angels with laser beams that zap people who don't pay tithing).  He is Filipino.  He does charcoal sketches and has asked my family for a picture of both Alayna and I for him to sketch.  When I sang in Church he told me I should go on American Idol.  His wife died.  He is lonely.  AND he is probably around 60 years old. 

I was shell-shocked.  Very much.  I literally ran into my professor who was glad because he needed to see when I was available to practice.  He noticed that I wasn't really responding well.  So I let the card sing to him and he laughed.  He read the letter.  "Awe, Aria you're appreciated.  Who's it from?" 

"An old man in my ward."
"How old"
"Um, I dunno, 60?"
*cue the eyebrows
"Oooooooh, that's a bit weird.  I was thinking around 80."
nope.

I went into work to use the computers to plan my devotional for my next class.  Why?  Because that is what I had planned to do.  I get to work.  My friend Bree is there.  "Aria?  Are you okay?"

I'm on the verge of tears because I have no freakin idea what to do.  I'm scared.  I showed her the card.  She was really excited.  "This is such a cool card!"  Yeah yeah, but not when when I told her who sent it. No, that made the card rather inappropriate.  

"Wait....Karaoke Filipino Restaurant?  That would be a bar."  She's probably right.

I finished working up my devotional, which was a blessing because it calmed me down quite a bit.

I called my mom after class.  I would like to say this helped, but there is a lot going on at home at the moment.  Good things, but it is hard to share uncomfortable news when mom just gave you "the doc figured out my thyroid stuff, and I'm not going to die". 

Working was great.  It kept my mind occupied.  It was after, when I was alone at the Christmas Lighting Ceremony, that I wasn't doing so well.  By the way- super cool tradition.  It's a program put on by the Elementary school on Nov 30th and TADA! campus is all lit up.  :)

WHAT DO I DO???  I can't not write back because he is all depressed. Right?  but I can't write back because I don't want to...lead him on.  I don't know how to help someone deal with depression.  There is a lot that goes on there that I don't want to get involved in.  Maybe he didn't mean it to be so creepy, there is a bit of a language barrier....and a distance barrier....and and age barrier.... :\

I couldn't tell my roommate about this on Thursday because I saw her in the morning and no way I was going to start my day like this.

I got an email from Bro Peterson in the bishopric telling me that Bishop wants to meet with me before church on Sunday.  Can I say PERFECT!?!?!?!?!  I hadn't even thought of asking Bishop anything but I think that's a good idea.  Super excited for that appointment....even though he probably wants to give me a calling. 

I decided to get rid of the singing cocktail card at the work Christmas party- it was a great White Elephant gift.

This evening (friday evening) I got the the point where I can talk about this. 

So I told Cali.  Her reaction?  I had her read the letter and listen to the card before I told her the 'WHO'.  Cali's thoughts before:

Ooooh, Aria's gonna get a boyfriend!!!!  Mmmm, 'first time writing a member'.  Doesn't sound like he is one- that's not her cup-o-tea. Awe, its a date!  

and after:

<shell-shocked silence>

I can laugh about it.  Cali can give me advice about it.  Namely- you're going home soon so don't respond.  You don't have to be nice when it makes you uncomfortable.  Old men are creeps.  It isn't on you to ease his depression, I know that you feel like it is because he asked, but it really isn't.

By the way- I haven't slept well since Wednesday.  On Thursday my back was really tense.  On Friday my stomach was not happy with anything I put into it, so I stopped putting food in it and stuck to water until the work party which I (as co-chair of the FUN committee) was helping with.   Despite this, I was doing better.  I really was.  I was laughing.  I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.....

Until I was walking with co-working-friends into the Game Center where the party was held.  I don't know how we got to this topic.  I don't know how it came up.  I wasn't tracking the conversation very well.  What I do know is my friend turned to me and said- "I can see you as a cat lady."
There was an earthquake.  I'm surprised the whole world didn't feel it.  The sky shook and everything I've been building came crashing down.  In an instant I saw 9-year-old Aria at a family reunion, hearing the same words from a cousin she loves.  I saw Aria in American lit, Aria during lunch, Aria in the band room,  Aria at a young women's activity, Aria dissecting a cat in Zoology....I've heard these words before.

I know he was kidding.  

He said he was kidding.
Aria, he was kidding.
I know it.

But dear friend of all the things you could tease me about today, this one was not okay.  

I made it through the party.  I made it through the drive home.  I made it into my room to grab my picnic blanket.  I booked it to Laie Park.

After that... I broke. 

A few hours later this is the conclusion-

It is not my fault.  I am not broken.  This isn't because of anything I have or have not done.  I don't have to be responsible for the world.  I can't write everyone, even if they need some love in the mailbox. I don't have to do things that make me feel uncomfortable.  There are other ways to serve, other people to care for, people who are tangible and immediate.  I am independent, a bit too independent.  Living alone might work well for me because I can take care of myself, but I don't have to.  I am not doomed to that fate.  I am a smart kid.  I am a good girl.  I am a much better being than I was a month ago.  God loves me.  This isn't a sign that I'm going to end up with one of the creeps that keep cropping up. These things do happen. Some things just are.