The college post

For Layn.

College tip ground ZERO

Mom's grocery list...with comments from me.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nM7qQyUaZCtM7lYgxoZ3_LxblqcgCWlXzVKzHhtaVfk/edit?usp=sharing


College tip number 1.

You will survive this.  Rats can be killed, so can cockroaches.  You don't always get to have chairs or a dining table in your apartment, and sometimes your power goes out, or your garbage attracts thousands of maggots.  And maybe the neighborhood floods and you've got to move your books off of the floor.

But seriously, it is all going to be okay.  It's life, stuff happens. Now, Layn, I don't really anticipate these issues for you.  You're going into a fully furnished, school provided, approved apartment.  Apples aren't going to be $2.23 a lb on a good day, but milk will probably still be around $4 a gallon.  You'll have other small things that could bug you.

Erase the assumptions that you've had about college life.  It's a brand new piece of paper, and you get to write whatever you want on it.  Analyze your habits, and only keep the good ones.  You'll form other ones as you come to those bridges. 

There won't be Strawberry yogurt in the fridge unless you buy it.

- it also won't disappear as quickly unless you have a roommate that shares your food. 

You'll make a habit of marking your food, and having specific days when you buy different grocery items. Those aren't things that others can plan for you, these are about you and your own personal survival.

College tip number 2. 

Can openers and canned fruit. 

Food goes bad.  You think you'll be home every day for lunch and then, all of the sudden, you have a study group on Monday, a few friends run to McDonnald's and bring you along on Tuesday, on Wednesday someone invites you to lunch, and by Thursday your ripe fruit is....not so ripe because it's been tossed and tumbled in your shared fridge.  

College fridges get a lot of traffic, stuff goes bad fast.

(except tortillas...still blows my mind)

Back to the tip.  Get those little plastic lids that fit on top of standard chilli/fruit cans.  Either that or have a designated rubber band that you use to secure your plasticwrap top.  

Don't eat a whole can of chili at once, and don't forget it once it's in the fridge.

You can freeze fruit when it is starting to go bad, and use it later.  You can also do that with veggies (specifically celery), and then when you make stir fry, or soups, whatever, you and put those in last and it will cook well WHILE it cools the soup a little bit.  Then you can eat it faster.

Go through your food in your fridge AT LEAST once a month.  All of your roommates.  Do it.  Get together and anything that is going bad gets thrown into a mystery Sunday dinner that everybody shares.  

Don't be afraid of innovative food.

College tip number 3.

I will now use a real life example on proper food planning. 

I have rice.  I have macaroni noodles.  I have potatoes. 

The potatoes will go bad first.  Use them first whenever possible.  The rice will keep for. ever.  Macaroni can get soggy if it's too humid.  Use things in the order of when they'll rot and beat the cycle of death!  If, however, I have 2 bottles of Prego pasta sauce and one of them is open in the fridge- it is important for you to use the pasta sauce within to weeks of when you opened it.  Otherwise it will go bad.  So, make LOTS of pasta in the morning and eat it throughout the day.  The next day, make LOTS of mashed/baked/casserole potatoes and eat it throughout the day. 

Sometimes this means that you have some really good stir fry (leftover from a RS activity), and when you don't have rice or plain noodles cooked and sitting in the fridge, this means you have the opportunity to use your potatoes.  

I might have fed the Scotsman stir-fry on mashed potatoes yesterday.  Was it an unusual mix of food cultures?  I'd like to call it bi-cultural syncretism.   But it was good, it was filling, and it didn't take very long.

College tip number 4.

Carrots last forever. You need veggies.  Buy carrots.  Buy the giant bag of carrots at Costco (20lbs, I'm serious) and you can have carrot sticks for the rest of the semester.  And then you can cook them in carrot pennies, or steam them with rice, or put them in soup.....

carrots are great.

and they're good for your eyes.

Celery is good...but it goes bad really fast.  All the ingredients for salad get expensive.  Cucumbers are also wonderful, but they don't last much longer than celery.  Buy baby tomatoes because they don't get so squishy.  Big tomatoes don't last long in a college fridge, they get moved around and squished.

College tip number 5.

Feed your Home Teachers...and the people you Visit Teach.

When you're very first assigned to Home Teachers, it's probably going to be a little bit awkward.  Think about it, these are the people that will be your first contact when you're having a bit of a crisis.  Give them the opportunity to be the caring, on top of it, home teachers that all men in the Church should be.  Start that by inviting them to lunch after church...or maybe on a weekday if they can swing it. You make the lunch at your apartment (if you're allowed to have male visitors....check with the rules on that....but you could picnic it), you all eat, and then they give their spiritual message and help you with the clean-up.  

THEY WILL get their home teaching done from then on. They'll like you, and have a better attitude about the whole thing.

The same goes to the people that you Visit Teach.  I like having breakfast with my VT Companion and 1-2 of my teachees before church on Sunday.  It's great.  Feed them physically and spiritual.  You'll love them more, you'll be more aware of their needs, and everybody likes pancakes and good company...even if they're not a huge fan of pancakes. 

College reality that we'll call tip 6.

It would be a lot cheaper to buy your food together with your entire house.  There would be more room in the fridge.  The food wouldn't go bad so fast.  You could have a wider variety.  You wouldn't have to deal with 3 egg cartons in the fridge at the same time.
As WONDERFUL as that would be...it's not going to happen.
Here is why.
You eat differently than your roommates.  Heck, you eat differently the ME.  You drink milk.  I don't like milk.  So if we go in on groceries together, I end up paying for some of the milk....that I'll never drink.
Not cool.
But, you know, I may eat more cheese than you do and you're splitting that too, so it all works out in the end, right?
It would, and it does, and that's totally the way I see it.   However, that is the long term.  This is the short-term.  You're in college, money is tight, you're in a new place and you don't absolutely unconditionally love these people yet.  Don't give yourselves anything to have contention over.

Now, when you can choose your roommates...
be. very. cautious.

Roommate Abbie and I share a lot of food.  She has a Costco card, and I don't, so we end up getting a lot of things together.  We buy eggs, cheese, meat, butter, fruit, beans, chili, macaroni....etc etc.
We also eat together a lot.  Whenever I cook something, I make sure I make enough for leftovers, and leave them in the fridge for her to eat when she can.  Then I tell her that there are leftovers in the fridge that she is welcome to.   Also- I cook a lot more than she does.  She doesn't have to cook as much, and still eats; as a result, I cook more-ish and our fridge is not as jam-packed as I've known it to be.

We tried to share milk and eggs with our entire house.  Everybody put in $5 per month into a jar and as we need eggs or milk, someone will go get it.  It didn't work.  Different cultures, different food habits, maybe a bit of mistrust and anxiety doesn't allow for that.

And this, Layn, is why people get married.  So that they can put whatever they want in the fridge.  And the fundamental unit of the Church is the Family because the refrigerator system works so much better than having unrelated people live together.


College tip number 7.

Establish a bedtime.  Period.  Set your alarm clock.  Do whatever you want in the morning, in whatever order you want.  My advice, no later than 6:30.
The library is open until midnight....does not mean you need to be there until it closes.  If you HAVE to, okay, the infrequent library lockdown is fine.  Don't make it a habit.  Do your homework efficiently and then go home, and go to bed.


College tip number 8.

Remember people's names.  Control the way you look at people.  They may seem a little odd.  They may be a little weird.  But we're all a little weird.  And that kid who is wearing a kilt, don't judge it, you may just fall in love with him someday.  So be nice.
Go through the halls and assume that 90% of the people walking around are having a hard day.  Uplift them with that assumption.  You'll be surprised at how correctly you've assumed.


College tip number 9.

Social media is a time sucker.
It is also a wonderful way to stay in contact.
It is also the go-to way to make study/meet up plans.

Limit your social media time.  Make a note of the people you need to contact or the questions you need to ask-- literally write them down-- as soon as you think of them; then, when you get to your facebook, take care of those things first.  It's fine to get distracted, but make sure there is a purpose for you getting onto facebook and that you complete it before you sign off.


College tip number 10.

When you find it hard to love someone, when you're nervous about this new person that you're living with, or the new person that is your home teacher, or the new person that is in your assigned study group, or the new person that shares a desk with you at work, serve them.
Small things like, when you make breakfast in the morning, make enough for your roommate and bring it to her occasionally (on mornings when she has an early class or something).  It doesn't have to be huge.
The quickest way to love someone is to serve them, and the happiest way to live is to love the people that you are around.


College tip number 11.

Make goals.  Write them down.  Post them on your wall.  Tell your 3 best friends about them.  AND THEN, don't envision yourself achieving your goal.  Instead, envision all of the little steps that will have to come to pass in order for you to achieve your goal.
Ex:  I want to read my textbook chapters before class so that I'm more prepared for the lecture.
~I need to own my textbook.
~I need to have a quiet study place to read the textbook.
~I need undisturbed time in which to read material that I don't fully understand.
~I will need a blanket because the library is cold, and nobody bothers you when you have a blanket.
~I need to make sure I have my blanket in my backpack before I leave my apartment.

See?  Like that.  With my blanket and my textbook in my bag, I'm far more likely to actually read before class.


College tip number 12

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO ANYTHING ON YOUR BED OTHER THAN SLEEP.
Do not study on your bed.
Do not watch movies/shows/youtube on your bed
Do not use you computer while you are on your bed.
Do not eat on your bed
Do not write in your journal, or write essays, while on your bed.

Occasionally breaking this rule is acceptable, but only slightly.  Like, have girl talk, paint your nails occasionally, play cardgames on your bed with roommate 1 when roommate 2 is on a date in the Kitchen.  When you are sick, skype mom from your bed.

BUT THIS MUST BE THE EXCEPTION.
ONLY SLEEPING shall happen WHILST ON YOUR BED.

Why?
Because if you eat, watch movies, do homework, read books, play games, scroll facebook....all of these things happening on your bed--
your brain will cease to associate your bed with sleeping.
What happens when you stop associating sleep with your bed?  You are restless, and it leads to MORE computer use, food consumption, reading and things while you are on your bed.
This leads to sleep problems.  You literally will not be able to fall asleep while you are on your bed.  I know girls (cough, Megan) who had to sleep on the couch in the front room because she did everything else on her bed.

Beds are for sleeping.

Bonus words of wisdom.

Keep a bag of chocolate chips.  When you have the ingredients to make a treat, you don't feel so poor. 

to do list

I am going to tell you about all the things I missed telling you about.
Why?
Because when I am old, but still young enough that my journal is embarrassing, I want to be able to reference these things easily.  Also, I promised to keep Jenni entertained.

So today, here is my blogging 'To Do List'
-the water festival that wasn't. and that thing about the moon
-What I understand of Khmer traditions
-preparing for the Cambodian Christmas Concert that I wasn't there for / Public Affairs missionaries
-Thanksgiving on a visa run to Thailand
- What it means to prepare for Christmas in a country that isn't Christian
- Service projects at cicfo
-Wat Phnom
- 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and 12/12/12
- Leaving
-my two 12/13s
- Children
- What I did when I was back in Hawaii
-The random things that I had to adjust to when I was in Hawaii, Vegas, Utah...
-being home with family
-that time the world didn't end
-Christmas
-the gathering of the girls
-great times spent in Utah after Christmas
-touchy feely post about everything that I learned because there wasn't time to bare my testimony in Church today
-New things for a new year.

That is so much. wow.  I'm going to back-date these posts so that they fit into when they actually happened.  They'll appear on your blogger dashboard in real time, but if you just visit the page you might miss them.  To counteract that, when I post something I'll make the item(s) it checks off a hyperlink to the post so you can find it if you're interested.

Capishe?

For now, because it is late and school starts tomorrow, here are some more videos from Cambodia that you can watch.  Yay videos!
Most importantly- here is a Christmas video!!!!!

Why I'm not going.

So many things, but those will wait.  I'm sorry that I'm sitting on those memories, but I'm still processing.

I'm getting this question a lot.  And I realized that I never really wrote about it except in my journal but I write differently there than I do here.  This is more for me than it is for you.  Now I'll have a script for the next time someone asks: so, are you going on a mission?

I've thought about it a lot.  I've struggled and pondered and prayed and felt and I'll tell ya, it's all a jumbled mess.  Remember the mission age change for the LDS church?  Well that's a big deal.
And there are those that say it'll increase Church membership,
and I think it was a great factor (in God's scheme) as to why the USA doesn't have an LDS president,
and there are those who say that it'll increase marriages,
and there are those who think they're opening new areas like China,
and there are those who say it is to beef up the youth of the church,
and there are those who say it's revenue based,
and there are those who say that the reason the girls can go so young now is because the boys weren't dating them,
and there are those who say it was because less young people were going,
and there are those who say that it's a fad now- you're going because all your friends are going and you don't want to be left out- it's totally cool to go on a mission now. 
(for the record, it always was)

I don't make plans very far in advance.  Remember when I told you about Cambodia?  Yeah, that was 2 months before I left.  I made the final decision to stay in Hawaii this summer 1 week before the semester started.  I see my goal and I move in that direction and take whatever paths I come across, so long as they're headed in the desired direction.
I am the poster child for crossing bridges when I come to them.

And now the bridge is here.
I've decided that I'm not going on a mission. 

I'm not saying that this is the final decision.  I'll be wherever I need to be when I need to be there.  For all I know, in a year I'll change my mind.  I'm a girl, there is no cap on the age for Sister missionaries.
But for me, right now, going on a mission would be:
running away.
putting responsibility for my life on someone else.
hiding.
stalling,
delaying,
scrambling....
the quick fix.

It is taking more courage for me to decide not to go that it did for me to decide that I was going a year ago.


And (because I know you're dying to ask) the only guy that I allowed to influence this frame of mind is my Heavenly Father. 

PS- Merry Christmas!  Check out the ICHope blog for Christmasy things

So this is Christmas

I was listening to Christmas music with McKae weeks before she left.
That was in October.
I started a Christmas playlist on YouTube and listened to it all the time.
While we slept.
While we planned for class.
While we worked.
While we waited for movies to load.
Especially while we drank Milo.  Yup.  Milo.  It's pretty good.  Like hot chocolate, but better.

And I lived in Hawaii for 2 Christmas seasons, so I'm used to the "it's-not-getting-cold" Christmas spirit.  You all put on jackets, and I wear a Christmas hat at the beach to make you all jealous.
Yea, I know it worked.
Well, it was just as hot- hotter- in Cambodia.  But it was a lot harder to prepare for Christmas.
Mom would tell me ever time we skyped: "You should get something special from Cambodia that will mean something and be really fun, like a Nativity!"
They don't have Nativities here.
"We went to Opportunity Village and they had a traditional Vietnamese Nativity."
Here is the thing.  Vietnam- don't ask me why, I don't know- accepted Christianity as a nation a very looooong time ago.  I'm not saying the whole country is Christian, because it's not, but there is a large percentage and there are families that have been Christian for generations.
Cambodia is 3% Christian.
3%
That's all.
As opposed to the US where about 78% of the country is some type of Christian.

The Christmas they get is commercial.  The mall and the department stores started putting up Santa hats and Christmas trees and ornaments in window paint as it got closer to the end of December.

We made snowflakes too.  But we sang Christmas songs while we did it.

I was closer than I've ever been to the area where Christ was born.  I was there during the time we celebrate it.  But there is no culture of Christmas music.  It's like the rest of Bethlehem who were ignorant of His birth.  They just went on, not knowing what Christ was or why.
A basic belief of Cambodia is that your life is determined by your past life.  If you're poor it's because your spirit is bad, or you're being punished.  It's hard for us to think that way because we know that isn't true.
Industry takes on so many more road blocks here because someone with an idea isn't naturally imbued with the idea that he can rise above his circumstances.  That idea is changing, but it's still there.  And yes, it still exists even though there are people who fight to live every day.  They struggle, they live on the dumps and collect recyclables to sell so that they can eat that night, they live on abandoned train tracks.  So many know that reading would change their situation, but without the money to even eat, how would they get the money to go to school?
I think that's a huge struggle for Christianity as well.  Christians are readers.  We got our Bibles and our Book of Mormons and our Christian literature, there is a whole genre for Christian writers.
Some missionaries teach people to read as they're trying to bring people to Christ. And that is hard.  How do you convert someone who can't read?  You convert the ones who do and that still leaves the poorest.  Thus- 3%.

But my kids do read. 
And we made a nativity.  And we sang Christmas songs.  And they know Christmas songs- real ones about Christ- in Khmer and in English. 
And I taught them the Christmas story.  We read about it.  And we talked about it.  And we did activities surrounding it.
And it's hard.  It really is.  Christmas is such a simple thing, but only by surrounding myself by it was I able to find the feeling I wanted.

I saw Christmas lights outside a restaurant on my way to the Orphanage near evening one day.  But Christmas lights weren't there to signify the spirit of Christmas.  They were there to draw attention to the place.  It was special, but not for the right reasons.  It was apparent by the girls waiting by the door of the establishment that it was a marketing stunt.
Ooooo evil is so clever.  And always has been.

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done to remember the Savior.

John Lennon?  or Celtic Women?
The struggle to create Christmas within yourself begins there.


It's proof that you can have Santa and sleigh-bells, trees and wrapping paper, cocoa and nutcrackers without the spirit of love that we associate with Christmas. 

no, you didn't fail me

Being in Cambodia, I'm a little out-of touch with everyone. My main contact is my mom, and there are consequences if we did not email at least once a day.
Thanks mom. It keeps me [fairly] sane.
 
Emails from my friends are sparse.  Promised emails from classes and professors are non-existent.  Emails from ICHope leadership are sporadic.  There are always students and co-workers who needed things though, and that is a Godsend. 

1 month after Natalie left, she assigned Greg to talk to communicate with me.  So for the next month and a half, I am under Greg's care.
But nobody is infallible.  Not even me.  Sometimes he misses the appointment, and I wait a day before saying anything about it because I know that I can't know what was going on in his life that didn't make it possible that day.  It's a very acute kind of rejection.  But I am glad-- every time-- that I'd waited, that I had listened to the part of me that is led, and not assumed that I'd simply been forgotten.

And I suppose that is the simplest example I could give you.
 
I know that I learned terrible lessons from the skype appointments that were missed. It was pain.  It was almost debilitating at times.  And when you care for these people, how do you take it?
But how could they know how much I need it when I didn't know myself?  I'm learning not to harbor the pain that they didn't even know I had.  I'm learning to build a bridge over that troubled water, and take measures to avoid falling into it.

the bridge- the last time I crossed it
on my way home from cicfo

*And you know what?  I could have done more.  There were a few times that I'd opened a door to a conversation.  But when I didn't get a reply I stopped reaching for it.  That's my bad. I could have kept doors open.
But my hand was stayed.

In the future, when I'm back in Hawaii, I'll be in a place where I can communicate with my friends freely.
More than anything, I sincerely hope that they don't think they failed.
They haven't.  They're busier than I am.  There is so much more going on around them than there is around me.  And I need this time. If God had wanted me to interact with all of the wonderful people that I know during my confinement, they would have remembered me in writing instead of just in mind.  I needed to learn to forgive, even when the pain was choking you.  I needed to learn the difference between being isolated and being lonely, and how not to be both.

They're not going to believe me, but I have very little ground on which to be offended, for no promises were broken.  No appointments were made.  We had no agreements or arrangements.  Was I lonely? Sometimes, but I was never alone.  I believe that this is as it was supposed to be.  No, you didn't fail me.

*I've edited this since it's first publication.

thoughts that i'll probaby regret later, from a very tired little girl

while I am, as you know, by no means 'little', I am when I am tried.
I say whatever comes to mind in sleepy slurred speech and do anything that seems important at the time and walk around slapping my feet on tile floors and rub my eyes with my fists and my hair sticks out and my cheeks feel big-- my roommates and some of my neighbors can attest to this.

Alas- I cannot sleep at the moment.
The internet is not very strong today, so it won't support me finding a movie online, but it does support my YouTube Christmas playlist...after I checked all the videos and only uploaded ones that work in this country.

Mom- I love you.  I'm not going to be abducted.  I'm careful of course, but I can't live in constant fear of the worst. Especially now that the boys at CICFO discovered that I'm ticklish.  When I'm at the orphanage, I'm in constant danger of being tickled and have become very wary of kids who walk by too slow.  Sneaky buggers.  They're ticklish too though, so there's something. Between this and that, I'll be a worry wart and my head can't take that.

At first I was told it was the King, but later I was informed that it is the King's father.  Miscommunication happens when there is a language barrier... anywho, he died.  Therefore there is no raucous laughter permitted for the next week.  This will greatly hinder my teaching methods.

This time difference thing is making my brain spin.  For one- I miss important dates.  Like 10/11/12.  Cool!  Didn't notice until it was 10/12/12 because we saw it on facebook.  Also traveling- McKae will be traveling for 2 whole days.   That means I'll be traveling for 2 whole days later.  Also, I'm not sure how to tick down time here.  Sure, I left on Sept 17th, but I got here to Cambodia in the waning hours of the 18th.  So is my month mark the 17th, 18th, or 19th?  And Hawaii is 7hours ahead of us, yesterday.  I've gotten good at that one.  My email is stuck in...I'm not sure what time zone...I think Hawaii.  Every time I send an email it has the time and says 'Sent 17 hours ago', so I'm never really sure when people email me.  I enjoy being able to be online in the middle of the day and help my online class with their assignment woes because they're submitting last minute.  I also enjoy having one more day for deadlines than I would otherwise.

A lot of YouTube clips I enjoy are blocked in this country.  Hulu is blocked here.  So is NetFlix.  Ultimate sadness.  Glad I brought a book and a bunch of Church literature I suppose.

I bought a pomegranate for half a dollar and the seeds were really big.  If pomegranate seeds were humans, I'd be the Khmer fruit and the Khmer people would be the American fruits. 

You know how Hello Kitty is a thing in Asian countries?  We saw a plane with Hello Kitties painted on it in Korea.  Angry Birds is Cambodia's 'thing'.

Steep, shallow steps are also a 'thing' in Cambodia.  Not just at their ancient temples.  My mother informs me that the steps were that way so you had to look down in homage to the god.  No, shallow, steep steps are everywhere.  But not at church.  Probably because the building was overseen by Americans.

Cambodians can fall asleep anywhere.  When I say 'anywhere' I mean it.  You see them on the streets, on benches, in tuktuks, on motos, up-side-down by their shops, everywhere. Lots of hammocks wherever you can put them (between buildings/gates/shops).  I think this ability has to do with the fact that their mattresses are extremely stiff.  Glad I weened myself off my old feather pillow, or this would be nightmarish.   I'm not always a huge napper, but when we went to Siem Reap,

this happened

 Everyone always says that sarcasm is an English thing.  I agree, mostly.  Sophanuth and Roth and Pattica and SoMol will say things and then laugh 'just kidding!'  This is not typical Asian behavior.  I suppose it could be their existing English influence, but I try and not be sarcastic.  These boys will be, but they always tell you they're kidding.  I was going to say it must be a boy thing, but I remember a time when Nahnah did it.  Put it in the book, mild sarcasm is a thing in Cambodia as well. 

I miss normal chickens.  These ones are hairy and tall and they try to feed me their feet.

for some

Forgive me as I attempt to put personal thoughts into words.  It does not come easily.

Doctrine and Covenants 46 talks about gifts of the Spirit.

11- For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.
12- To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

Much of the remaining section is devoted to a list of Spiritual Gifts.


McKae and I watched the Footloose remake today.  Ariel bugs me.  McKae asked me why and I decided that it was because she is one of those girls who is so beautiful and knows that she can pull tons of crap, and it's okay because she mostly gets what she wants from the men in the story.  It just bugs me okay.

Later we were talking about people and came upon an idea that some people are just blessed to be incredibly beautiful.  To the point that you're wondering 'How are you even human?? Humans have perceptible flaws.' 

Here is an idea that I've been ruminating on:  McKae is sick.  She has been sick for a while and it's hard.  I'm not sick.  My energy levels haven't been significantly reduced. I haven't felt incapacitating pain.   Natalie and McKae both experienced physical pain while they were here.   For the most part, I've been well.

I think I'd add 'drop dead gorgeousness' to the list of heavenly endowed gifts; not mine, I can't get my life to work out because I'm cute.  Do you think physical strength would be added to this list? Absolutely.  Look at the scriptures, there are so many examples where God has endowed His children with strength.

I'm not ripped and I'm not asking to be numbered with the stripling warriors.  But simply the juxtaposition of incredible people whose bodies take an incredible toll and a body that takes it in stride has helped me realize that I am strong.  I wasn't suddenly given strength when I arrived in Cambodia; this isn't really new.  I suppose that I've been strong for a while.  I wasn't always. 

My body is strong.  Great.  Why?  D&C 46:12 says: "To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby."
What profit is it for McKae to be so ill she has been unable to leave our room on some days?  We can't fulfill a commitment, who does that profit?  What profit is there for 1 teacher when the kids were expecting 2?  And finally, who will it profit when she leaves on Tuesday?

I've been assured that, if there is anyone in the world who could do this on their own, it's me.  When asked if I'll be able to handle things on this end, my answer was 'We'll see'.
That, my dear, is the best I can do.  I cannot see the future.  If I could, I don't know if I would have had the courage to come.  I will try, but there isn't really a litmus test for this kind of thing.  I'm not excited to be without my companion here, but watching her pain for the past few weeks takes it's toll as well and I look forward to her comfort.

 It is said that a person's character is defined by what their thoughts are when no one is around.  What do you do when nobody is watching?
While I am probably more watched here than I have ever been in my life, I think this will prove to be an extremely enlightening experience.  The challenge will be not to feel completely alone.  I'm not.  I know I'm not.
Knowing and feeling are separate things. 

For some, an awaited opportunity is experienced only in part and then is seemingly withdrawn.  For some, an announcement is given to change life's course.  For some it is given to watch powerlessly as someone struggles far from you.  For some, the strength to carry on is given when there is none other to take the responsibility.
Somehow, all will profit.  I think I'll go look up 'profit' in Church literature.  I'm afraid the indended definition is different than my own. 

silver miners

Today is seriously one of the worst days ever.  EVER.

But, because I'll remember what went wrong, what good happened today?


Turned in all of my English work
Had brownies in English because it's the last day
Gave my roommates rides home/back
Helped my friends move
Made a new coworker feel welcome
Ran into Jaden
I got to go to work
Adam and Kylie were holding hands :) this would have made my day even if I was having a good one.
I'm going to my friend's wedding reception.

I'm just gonna remember that for right now.  Whatever went on at the beginning of the day, by the end of it there are people who go out of their way to love me when they don't have to.

blackout

I've been gone all weekend, so I came home and did dishes but.....the lights went out

I wasn't done, but luckily my computer was on.  It was literally the only light in the room.  EVERYTHING was off.  Pitch black.

It's a miracle what a good flash can do for a picture.

Abby was the only other person home.  We couldn't see anything, so we went outside because....
well here's a video.

All the lights on the North Shore went out.  I realized that my emergency, self-powered flashlight doesn't work anymore.  No flashlights.  No tap-lights. No lanterns.  No candles.  I hadn't taken a shower yet- oops.  The only light source I had was my laptop.

Just found out that it was a car crash that caused the outage.  Other than that, I don't know anything about it.

plea

Tell me, every day, that you love me.

Show me, every moment, that I'm where I need to be.

Give me, every situation, a chance to be of use.

Give me a purpose, to appease my hungering soul.

Show me a path that gets to the end you want for me.

Tell me a way to become what you see in me.

And if, for a moment, things are shaken,
Help keep me from stumbling.
When, for a time, my mind is swayed by opposing odds,
 Hold tight to my heart.
Assure me that you will bring me through the end.

decisions- my least favorite adventures

I'm writing this now while I feel like this.  Realize that the next hour will change everything.

This is the perfect semester to take physics- 

Why? 

--I am here all summer- next summer I will (hopefully) be Miss world-traveler

--My schedule is such that I have it open so I can spend all my time on Physics.
--I didn't take Physics in high school and I've always thought it would be kinda cool.

--I signed up for the class knowing that I would work really hard every day, and in the end I would probably fail BUT I would learn.  It is a requirement for grad school and I can't walk into grad school blind.  

Matt & Aaron Birthday shenanigans.

--I have friends that are taking the class who will take me (metaphorically) by the hand and drag me through the class

--The friends taking this class are the ones that I need to keep- Why?  They are all that will be left of our group of friends.  Without them I have to start over.  I've had to do that before and I don't want to start from scratch again.  I've finally found people that will do things.  I would much rather do something than sit and tan (or sleep) on the beach.  That is what the majority of my dear friends do; I love them- that is not how I would prefer to spend time.  If this will keep us together, it is worth it just on that.  (It's a silly reason to take a class, I know, but that's the thought behind it.)


On Saturday I learned that one of these physics friends decided to go home for the summer, so now the emergency study help group is significantly smaller.
 

I cannot take physics.  I knew this on Sunday.  I was extremely upset.

I went to talk to Dr Weber, the Physics professor (such a nice man, really like him, wish I could take his class).  We discussed my situation, he told me that we do not get to waves in Physics 121, or 122, and only barely in 221.  Also, I must take Calculus which is not offered until fall. To make a long story slightly shorter, I went to Career Services to talk to an actual Speech Pathologist (God watches out for me, I know).

I need physics of sound

favorite family reunion mini-cousin photo

This would be the perfect semester to go home and take online classes that will fulfill the prerequisites for my speech pathology grad school program.  I would take it from University of Utah online because they've put all of their undergrad classes online.  I am not (in all honesty) online education's biggest fan.  It isn't really my style as a learner.  I'm enrolled in other classes here and all of them are more common and will be offered any other time I need.  I could live at home and work and not worry about lifeguard certifications running out.   I would be fed.  I wouldn't have to pay rent.  I would be home with my family.  I love my family.  I could be at my cousin Eric AND Nate's weddings.  I could visit more family.  I could go to the family reunion.  I would get my hair cut.  I would be able to live in my house as it is getting finished (right?) I could go to my sisters' concerts.  I could go see Mary Poppins in the new Smith center.  I haven't actually signed a contract, I don't HAVE to stay.  I would go shopping with my mom and sisters who would pick out and buy my clothes for me. 

Why I should stay-

Best place ever.

I just arranged to have access to a car this summer.  It is Chris's.  He is going to the mainland with his fiance to get married and they will be back in August.  I am keeping his bed and a few boxes in the shed in my backyard and he is letting me use his car this summer.   Sweet deal.  I need it for private oboe lessons that I need to take this summer.  Why this summer?  Because I have to go to Honolulu and that takes HOURS out of your day.  It is much easier to fit that in during a summer schedule.  Chelsea wants me to sing the Flower duet with her for her Jr Vocal Recital.  I told work I would be here.  I'm registered for classes.  I already have my ticket.  Amanda, Natalie, and Becky are going to visit Hawaii in August and we have cousin dates planned. 

but when it comes down to it- All of this could be reversed.   There is still time. 

Here is the rub:  I don't want to go home.  I don't feel like I am needed there.  They love me, I love them.  Last summer I needed to be home.  I needed to help get work done on the house, I needed to be there for my friends and cousins that have now moved on to different parts of their lives.  This time I feel like I need to stay.  I feel like someone needs me here.  Though, I am skeptical about that feeling and think it is generated within myself for selfish purposes.  I am afraid that if I leave I will miss something. I don't know what- I like to think I know what, but I don't.  There are people who have distinct opinions on the "what" and I am very cautious in my agreeing with their opinions. I feel like, if I go back, I will digress; I won't keep growing, I'll have to start at square 1 when I get back in the Fall.  

I have never ever been good at discerning The Spirit.  I can never tell if it's just me wanting to do what I want to do or if it is what God wants me to do.  I know that God wants you ME to be happy, so God wants what You want.  Well- I want to want what God wants me to do.  So do I want what God wants me to want because I wanted it anyway, or do I actually want it because God originally wanted it?  Try not to get too confused on this one.  It is too easy to actually want what God wants for me.  He has never told me "No", not that I can recall.  I am a very spoiled child.  I cannot shake the feeling that I should be here for someone- I can't think who, a lot of the people I would 'be there' for are leaving.  Lets just say this outright- my girl friends are leaving, my guy friends are not.  I cannot make this decision on my own because I don't think I'll do if for the right reasons.  It is not like one road is harder than the other, both roads have merit.

It was ward Temple night on Tuesday at 5pm.  I had a concert call time at 7pm.  I decided, last minute, to go to the temple.  I was already in a dress because of Juries earlier that day and I had my recommend in my backpack.  why is it in there? God watches out for me.  I sat and tried to separate my feelings and tried to focus on what I'm actually supposed to do (I'm under the belief that it matters).
 I walked out of the baptistery at the end, Bishop was there to give me pizza
and send me on my way to my concert, but not before he asked to meet with me tonight....in a few minuets.

"Aria, tell me your plans for this summer."
<Summary of the above> Do you have a reason for me to stay?  I will if you give me a reason to.

I am First Counselor in the Relief Society until our lovely President, Heidi, leaves in May.  After that, only God knows.  And here, dear friends, is my answer.

That does not mean that I did not almost cry when I called my father.

i know the sun must set to rise

But one day,

though she wished it would not be this way, 

she knew it was good.

She hoped she was right-

more for them than for herself

because (if we're honest) there is more pain coming her way.

"The worst," she thought to herself, "is over.

The truth is out, and now I can step away smiling,

knowing that we'll be friends still."

Understanding more about herself as she watched them walk away;

Focusing, 

for the first time in weeks, 

on the work that had built up in her mental absence.

Productivity increasing exponentially.

Freedom in finally being honest with him. 

Relief in realizing he cared enough to be concerned, 

and nothing more.

Free of the mental weight that had tugged at her conscious thought.

She was, once again, alright on her own.

In this she found some heartache, but mostly peace.

Yes,

mostly peace.

Mr Collins

I have come across Mr Collins in the flesh,

but I am no Charlotte.

Watch this!

Once upon a time, in November, a guy asked me on a date.  This had never occurred in my life, I usually get set up.  I went.  I hoped it would not happen again, but I did not say so because that's rude.  He kept asking, I kept deflecting.  The day before Christmas break I said yes to a goodbye dinner for his graduating best friend.  I planned to talk to him there: "I tried, but this is not working.  Thank you.  Goodbye."  Alas, it was also his birthday and there wasn't a chance to do so...though I probably wouldn't have said it anyway- it was his birthday.  I returned for a new semester.  We are in Choir together.  I had a class conflict on Tuesdays and Thursdays and needed to leave early on those days.  He had the same time-conflict.  He walked me to class from choir the first day.  I dropped the class (there are many reasons I dropped the class, but that was a big one).  One day I was walking and he said he needed to speak with me.  I allowed him to do so.  He expressed his regard and I expressed my discomfort; it seems that both fell on deaf ears.  However, upon realizing how much this occupied his mind and realizing that I will see him every day until he graduates (this April), I suggested another date.  On Wednesday.  We ate dinner on the hill behind the Temple. 

Reasons why X is Mr Collins:
-He told me he was pursuing his interest in me because I had the approval of his best friend
-He got the idea for the date location from his best friend
suddenly T is Lady Catherine- which I don't like but for right now it fits
- He plans conversations/compliments. Attempts to give them an unstudied air....no kidding
-He told me he has 'something particular to say to [me]' in a public setting
-He told me I would fit in with his family and T likes me
-He is just plain creepy
-Mr Collins is to The Church as X is to Video-games 
- When I said "I am not comfortable around you" he said "Yes, I see that".
-TOO FAST! The first time we talked alone, he expressed.....um....

When I watered it down for a friend, she said "you got proposed to!"

no.  I did not.  He did not ask me to marry him, he just expressed his hopes that I would...multiple times.

i know, yikes.
-He expressed his hopes for me without my provocation, or consent, or desire, but with my resistance.
-He looks like Mr Collins
-Not a romantic, but did use the phrase "spend the rest of my life with" twice.
-Persistence

I'm not kidding, he looks very much like this Mr Collins.

Why did I go?

I chose to go because it was the only way out and this needed to stop.  I was uncomfortable, but safe.
I promise.

Now it has.
<phew>
cool story, yeah?

the healing power of salt

I have been a bit sick this week.

Nothing serious, just a head cold.

Still, I've had a hard time functioning on all cylinders.

So, today it was worse than it had been.

I finally got the time to go swimming.

The bay was really flat today.

Absolutely perfect.

I swam for a while, and hung in the water.

I watched the clouds go from pink to gray.

I breathed in and out

until my ears forgot the difference 

between my heartbeat 

and the waves breaking on the shore.

This is where I live;

where forward motion seems so small

the sand sneaks up on you, 

where the air is clear and the earth is round,

where saltwater is better than a prescription,

where everything flows.

Finals!

During finals week I was probably the least stressed-out person on campus, but I wasn't cruzin'.
I didn't really have finals.
how did ya swing that?
Well, I'm a music major.  The week BEFORE finals was my finals week.  I had dress rehearsals and concerts every night until at least 9pm.  
I did have juries.   When you take private lessons (which you must do if you're a music major) you must perform at the end of the semester for all the (in this case) voice teachers.  I was nervous about it all semester because I don't do well performing on my own, but I was lucky enough to have my last voice lesson the day before my jury.  I was ready, then Sister Belnap told me I needed to dress up. I wasn't banking on that... So on Tuesday I got ready for school---no, no pictures, sorry :(

I discovered something.  This is groundbreaking.  

When I feel like I look good, I do really well.  REALLY well. When I feel like I don't look very good, I don't perform well.  I didn't think that I worried about my appearance, but apparently I do.  This discovery explains why I did not well for the Choir concert last week.  
Now I know.

Before I let myself leave my house I stood in front of the mirror and made sure I could look at it and say 'Okay, you look good today'.  I went to class, I warmed up, I sang for my jury and rocked it.  They chose the songs I had planned for them to choose.  I was ready.  I went to work afterwards and ran into the caroling brass band.  

That was one final.  It was on Tuesday.

My other finals-

Well, I had a 'hearing' on Wednesday.  We prepare melodies and do some sight singing.  EXCEPT- Dr B has us sing numbers instead of solfedge.  I'm not good at either.  I can sing numbers when I write them down, but for my unprepared melody, I started with numbers and ended up singing 'du du du du du du'.  But I was right so it was okay.   Also, I can sing almost any chord progression but I have a hard time playing them.  Odd?  Dr B thought so.  "How did you pull that out of nowhere but you have a hard time finding that note on the piano?"  I don't know.  All in all, I did well.

I had to finish my Composition project.  There was a problem with one of my drafts and I had to re-write a section.  The Composition was the final for Music Theory 3, we had to perform it for the class during the allotted 'final exam' time, Friday morning.  Low stress.

After the Composition....'recital' if you will...there was the dictation exam.   Think of it as the part 2 to the hearing and this is for Music Theory Lab.  This isn't the kind of thing you can cram for.  We prepare all semester, training our ears to discern harmonies, and if you don't know it by finals week you can't really pull and all-night-er and be ready the next day.  Again, low stress. 

What really stressed me out was work.

WORK.

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The online students have finals too.  True, they are due a week before regular finals, but there are tons of issues with people's finals.  Especially my class because we allow them to go through YouTube...which makes it easier for some people, and harder for others, but mostly stressful for me.  For kicks and giggles, these are my students' finals.  There are 2 Music TAs but Nichel (whom I love and am very grateful for) had a ton of finals.   

Technically, we aren't allowed to go over hours.  But at this point the finals must be graded, the grades must get in, there are very few people who can do it- you stay until you are done.  I had 19 hours by Wednesday evening, 9 of those hours were done on that day.  I worked a total of 23.5 hours from Monday to Friday.  :0

BUT, the grades are in. All the students are accounted for. I emailed my professor and told him the grades are ready for review, which here means that Dr K goes into the gradebook and clicks 'approve all'.  Most of the work was done by Wednesday which made it possible for me to help with a wedding reception....

some things just are

This is going to be an odd post.  This is very personal and the only reason it is here is because I want my family and friends to be informed, but I don't want to re-write this.  Once is more than enough. 
I got a rather interesting piece of certified mail this week.
On Wednesday I went to the post office after my Music Theory class to get this package.  I showed the lady my ID, signed the receipt that says I acquired the mail, signed the electric screen thing, verified my address....all those loops and then said, "Alright.  I've never gotten Certified mail before" and the lady at the desk said, "Well it must be important".

It was a Christmas Card.  I'm not kidding.  I didn't take a picture of it- but it is like this one

This is a singing taco.  Mine was a singing glass of
Champagne.  It sang a "Holiday Cocktail song".

Nothing else was in the flat rate envelope.  But inside the card was a letter.  Verbatim.

Dear Aria,

This is my first time to write a letter to a church member.  I would like to have a pen pal writings to you and to your mormon Lady friends to ease my depression and requesting to send me your pretty colhered  picture to sketch you a charcoal portrait as a token remembrance.  From me, responding to my letter I will cherished it.  If you come back to Vegas I proposed to invite you to a "Kareoke" Filipino Food Restaurant.  I missed your amazing voice dearly.  

The following is literally EVERYTHING I know about the sender:

  He is a new member in my home ward.  I don't remember knowing of him before this summer.  He told funny stories on fast Sundays (angels with laser beams that zap people who don't pay tithing).  He is Filipino.  He does charcoal sketches and has asked my family for a picture of both Alayna and I for him to sketch.  When I sang in Church he told me I should go on American Idol.  His wife died.  He is lonely.  AND he is probably around 60 years old. 

I was shell-shocked.  Very much.  I literally ran into my professor who was glad because he needed to see when I was available to practice.  He noticed that I wasn't really responding well.  So I let the card sing to him and he laughed.  He read the letter.  "Awe, Aria you're appreciated.  Who's it from?" 

"An old man in my ward."
"How old"
"Um, I dunno, 60?"
*cue the eyebrows
"Oooooooh, that's a bit weird.  I was thinking around 80."
nope.

I went into work to use the computers to plan my devotional for my next class.  Why?  Because that is what I had planned to do.  I get to work.  My friend Bree is there.  "Aria?  Are you okay?"

I'm on the verge of tears because I have no freakin idea what to do.  I'm scared.  I showed her the card.  She was really excited.  "This is such a cool card!"  Yeah yeah, but not when when I told her who sent it. No, that made the card rather inappropriate.  

"Wait....Karaoke Filipino Restaurant?  That would be a bar."  She's probably right.

I finished working up my devotional, which was a blessing because it calmed me down quite a bit.

I called my mom after class.  I would like to say this helped, but there is a lot going on at home at the moment.  Good things, but it is hard to share uncomfortable news when mom just gave you "the doc figured out my thyroid stuff, and I'm not going to die". 

Working was great.  It kept my mind occupied.  It was after, when I was alone at the Christmas Lighting Ceremony, that I wasn't doing so well.  By the way- super cool tradition.  It's a program put on by the Elementary school on Nov 30th and TADA! campus is all lit up.  :)

WHAT DO I DO???  I can't not write back because he is all depressed. Right?  but I can't write back because I don't want to...lead him on.  I don't know how to help someone deal with depression.  There is a lot that goes on there that I don't want to get involved in.  Maybe he didn't mean it to be so creepy, there is a bit of a language barrier....and a distance barrier....and and age barrier.... :\

I couldn't tell my roommate about this on Thursday because I saw her in the morning and no way I was going to start my day like this.

I got an email from Bro Peterson in the bishopric telling me that Bishop wants to meet with me before church on Sunday.  Can I say PERFECT!?!?!?!?!  I hadn't even thought of asking Bishop anything but I think that's a good idea.  Super excited for that appointment....even though he probably wants to give me a calling. 

I decided to get rid of the singing cocktail card at the work Christmas party- it was a great White Elephant gift.

This evening (friday evening) I got the the point where I can talk about this. 

So I told Cali.  Her reaction?  I had her read the letter and listen to the card before I told her the 'WHO'.  Cali's thoughts before:

Ooooh, Aria's gonna get a boyfriend!!!!  Mmmm, 'first time writing a member'.  Doesn't sound like he is one- that's not her cup-o-tea. Awe, its a date!  

and after:

<shell-shocked silence>

I can laugh about it.  Cali can give me advice about it.  Namely- you're going home soon so don't respond.  You don't have to be nice when it makes you uncomfortable.  Old men are creeps.  It isn't on you to ease his depression, I know that you feel like it is because he asked, but it really isn't.

By the way- I haven't slept well since Wednesday.  On Thursday my back was really tense.  On Friday my stomach was not happy with anything I put into it, so I stopped putting food in it and stuck to water until the work party which I (as co-chair of the FUN committee) was helping with.   Despite this, I was doing better.  I really was.  I was laughing.  I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.....

Until I was walking with co-working-friends into the Game Center where the party was held.  I don't know how we got to this topic.  I don't know how it came up.  I wasn't tracking the conversation very well.  What I do know is my friend turned to me and said- "I can see you as a cat lady."
There was an earthquake.  I'm surprised the whole world didn't feel it.  The sky shook and everything I've been building came crashing down.  In an instant I saw 9-year-old Aria at a family reunion, hearing the same words from a cousin she loves.  I saw Aria in American lit, Aria during lunch, Aria in the band room,  Aria at a young women's activity, Aria dissecting a cat in Zoology....I've heard these words before.

I know he was kidding.  

He said he was kidding.
Aria, he was kidding.
I know it.

But dear friend of all the things you could tease me about today, this one was not okay.  

I made it through the party.  I made it through the drive home.  I made it into my room to grab my picnic blanket.  I booked it to Laie Park.

After that... I broke. 

A few hours later this is the conclusion-

It is not my fault.  I am not broken.  This isn't because of anything I have or have not done.  I don't have to be responsible for the world.  I can't write everyone, even if they need some love in the mailbox. I don't have to do things that make me feel uncomfortable.  There are other ways to serve, other people to care for, people who are tangible and immediate.  I am independent, a bit too independent.  Living alone might work well for me because I can take care of myself, but I don't have to.  I am not doomed to that fate.  I am a smart kid.  I am a good girl.  I am a much better being than I was a month ago.  God loves me.  This isn't a sign that I'm going to end up with one of the creeps that keep cropping up. These things do happen. Some things just are. 

clense your mind

Today I was at work.
There is a lot of excitement at our workplace.
My friend Matthew is helping figure out how to make a ring for our friend's (as of next Thursday) fiancee because the real ring isn't going to make it in time.  Cami tried it on to check the size and we joked that Matthew should get down on one knee to prepare for when he has to do it.  He says he isn't ready for that.  We pointed out that everyone says that and then BAM!  Like our friends Aaron and Melinda.  Their proposal is on facebook.  Matthew logs on to show it to those who hadn't seen it.
He wasn't expecting to see pornography on his wall, but it was there.

 I am so glad that I work with a man who literally jumped at the sight.

He had his hand over the screen and was frazzled, didn't know what to do, wanted to get away from it and see something good without exposing himself to that again.  He was scared.

I was standing behind him and was able to help him navigate to the proposal video without filth. But once it was done he didn't want to go back to his news feed and be assaulted.  He didn't know who had posted it and he wanted to get rid of the 'friend' (aka- idiot) so this wouldn't happen.  Poor Matthew.  Couldn't do it.  So I did.

I grew up in Vegas.  I know how to focus on good.  I found the friend- a girl, by the way- I deleted her and blocked her and hopefully nothing like this will ever be a problem again. 

Matthew- "I'm so sorry.  I'm really sensitive to this stuff.  You guys are girls, they're your parts not mine so thank you for dealing with it."   Impressive.

 MORAL OF THE STORY
When you want to get something bad out of your head it is not enough to think of a happy place.  It isn't enough to sing a primary song.  It is not enough to look at pictures of Christ.  You need to go in the completely opposite direction.   You need to think of the Miracles in your life.  For Matthew I told him to picture the people he served on his mission and the miracles that he has been a part of in the lives of the people he served.   You need to listen to a song that is Spirit Packed.  Something that was meant to stand on it's own and be POWERFUL.

Like this:

Or this:

For me, something I've participated in.  The above songs I've done, but I'm actually a part of this video:
How Great Thou Art


I am so very grateful that it happened here, where there are girls around, instead of when he was home with his roommates.  Not that I think anything more terrible would have happened, but that isn't something I would want him to deal with on his own.  Here we were able to take care of it as much as possible.
It was gross.  It could have been worse.  I really do not like Satan.

trepidation

If you never take risks than you will never have anything worth losing.

Apparently it is the cool thing to get engaged this semester.   No joke.

I went to a fireside and it changed my life.  I've decided to decide...if that makes sense.
If I am not engaged or married by February 1, 2013 I am going to start my mission papers.  Until then I am going to be perfect.  Every day.  It is a commandment to be perfect.  I will fail.  I will fail massively every single day, but I will never have to do it alone.

Recently I have been heavily advised to "be ready to meet your eternal companion".  I've never been that girl who plans her wedding.  I did, at one point, write in my journal exactly what reception I would do for each of the 4 seasons.  Those plans have since slipped my mind.  I honestly cannot remember a thing about them.  Sure, I've done all the young women activities where we made lists of qualities for our future husbands. But in reality, all of the qualities I wrote were qualities I possessed.
A wise man said 'If you love someone you take them as they are.  You do not take someone and try to change them because when you do that you are imposing your own qualities on them.  That isn't loving the other person, that is loving yourself.  You don't want to marry yourself.'

One of the only crucial qualities in a relationship:  You must have the same ultimate goal. 
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-Saints takes care of this for us.  Our goal is to be as God is.  Our goal is exaltation and eternal life.

I have never loved.  Well, that isn't true.  I love all the time.  I love many people.  I have never been IN love.  See the difference?
Why?
It isn't because I don't like guys.  It isn't because I have never ever been asked out.  It isn't because I intimidate people.
I am not ready.  As much as I would like to be, I'm not.  I am so comfortable being simply "Aria" that the idea of belonging to someone is not always attractive.
I don't understand how love works.  I am a Love Idealist.  I don't understand how people go from one person to another.  I don't understand why people have 'summer flings'.  I don't see the point in entering a relationship that has an expiration date stamped on it.


I need to move.  Not literally because I absolutely love it here.  I want to stay as long as possible.  But I need to go forward.  I need to be ready.  I want to understand.  I am so young in so many ways and I need to jump.

Only by having everything to loose will you gain everything.  Fear is the greatest indicator that we are on the right path.

favorite quotes

This is how this will work.  These are some of my FAVORITE quotes, either from my life or not.  If it has a story, I'll share it under the quote in a different color.  

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

— Marilyn Monroe

"Having faith doesn't mean you'll be filled with joy and conviction every moment. Having faith means you keep persisting and believing that the blessings and comfort lie ahead" -Sister Oaks

"If you never are susceptible to heart break you will never truly learn to love." - Elder Cameron

-'WHERE IS THE FREAKING PROPHET!!!' ~Kaylee

President Monson came to dedicate the Temple and he was touring the PCC, so we went to stalk him.

- "singing men may be the greatest thing ever." ~Jill 

On Valentine's day, the Bases in the Choir sang "Falling in love with you" to us while they gave us little valentines that they'd made.

-'Let's go get raped!' ~ Kaylee 

That's kinda what you feel like when you walk alone at night...

-'WOAH! You are white.' ~Kaylee  ;)

The drawbacks of tanning for your wedding...... :/

-'Aria, are you a boy scout?' ~Tanner 

I broke my toe on a hike and had a first aid kit with medical tape in my backpack

-"I would hate to die in a Hot-Air Balloon" (kaylee) -"Ummmm, did you just come up with that or have you always felt that way?" (aria) -"I've thought about it before. I'd rather go skydiving again than go on a Hot-Air Balloon. Why?" (K) -"My Aunt died falling from a Hot-Air Balloon."(A) -" :0" ~Kaylee 

She was really scared to go Skydiving, she almost didn't do it; so this is saying something. This was the most random thing in the world.

-'Aria, do you EVER get upset? Cuz you're pretty chill, but I feel like IF you ever got angry you would have a fiery wrath.' ~Will

In my Music Theory class, just after Dr D had given me about 3 days notice for a devotional performance because the other kid backed out. 

-'Keep Moving Forward' ~Walt Disney

-'I wish the cameraman wouldn't cough.' ~Aria

I took an online Bio class and we watched some of the lectures, the sound was pretty soft until the cameraman would cough.  It made you jump a little.

-'I've got range, Walker Texas range.' ~Logan 

He plays basketball.

-'What we need is a really hott man.' ~BYUH Men's Basketball Team Captain

Well, they got him....

- Me: You're my sister; Alayna: I should put that on my resume.

she was nervous about applying for a lifeguard job.

-'Dude, my back is like minesweeper. Oh wait, that was actually funny!' ~Aaron Thomas

-'HEY! That's like sac-religious...if America were a religion. Sac-patriotic? Sac-revolutionary? Sac-America?' ~Kaylee + Aria

-"If Music be the food of love, play on . . . " Your practicing will give you more food for love. Maybe not more food, but more food for love. Whatever that is . . . ~Dr Daniel B

-"I'm not a girl, I'm an alien."- Me "You really are. Just kidding....but not really because you actually are."- Cali

The reasons I am not a 'girl'- I can kill cockroaches.   I can take out the cockroach traps.  The teeny little ants don't bother me anymore.  I didn't freak out when my computer went all white and froze for a few minuets while I was doing my work.   I don't flirt.  I want to Kite-surf.  I run on the beach in the morning.  I did a 2 mile hike in 1 hour.  I'm comfortable sitting by myself at a volleyball game.  

If I'm an alien...do I get my own Phylum?

"People will not always remember what you said to them but they will always remember how you made them feel."- Sister Nyberg

-'Vivre pour ce lui con aimer. Aimer plus que l'amour meme. Donner sans rien entendre en retour.' ~Notre Dame de Paris

-'Aria, I've always told you I value your advice so of course I would lock important txts from you. You are full of wisdom. I love that about you.' ~Cameron 

This kid is probably the best guy friend I have ever had.  He thinks I'm wise.  I think he's crazy.

- Treasure who treasures you and don't make someone a priority that treats you like an option. ~ Words to live by

-'I want you to stop judging yourself. This is who you are, who you were meant to be. So many people find you amazing. All you have to do is believe the things they say. You are beautiful.' ~ Heidi

-'I suppose I shall simply have to rise to the occasion and do something spectacular, yet again. And spectaculars always take so much out of me...' ~Fairy Godmother, Slipper and the Rose

-"Don't attach your dreams to people, attach them to goals you can actually accomplish." ~Mr Reid M (my HS AP Gov Teacher)

-"Don't judge yourself on your accomplishments, but on the happiness of the people around you." (sic)~ Jessie, Student Body Pres Bonanza 2010

-'Live so that those who know you but don't know Him will want to know Him because they know you.' ~unknown (to me anyway)

-'If you reach for the stars all you get are the stars...if you reach for the Heavens, you get the stars thrown in.' 'Stretch your mind beyond fantastic, dreams are made of strong elastic.' ~Broadway Musical, Mary Poppins

-"You should write a book, How to offend women in 5 syllables or less." 

Doesn't this make you want to watch The Swan Princess???