decisions- my least favorite adventures

I'm writing this now while I feel like this.  Realize that the next hour will change everything.

This is the perfect semester to take physics- 

Why? 

--I am here all summer- next summer I will (hopefully) be Miss world-traveler

--My schedule is such that I have it open so I can spend all my time on Physics.
--I didn't take Physics in high school and I've always thought it would be kinda cool.

--I signed up for the class knowing that I would work really hard every day, and in the end I would probably fail BUT I would learn.  It is a requirement for grad school and I can't walk into grad school blind.  

Matt & Aaron Birthday shenanigans.

--I have friends that are taking the class who will take me (metaphorically) by the hand and drag me through the class

--The friends taking this class are the ones that I need to keep- Why?  They are all that will be left of our group of friends.  Without them I have to start over.  I've had to do that before and I don't want to start from scratch again.  I've finally found people that will do things.  I would much rather do something than sit and tan (or sleep) on the beach.  That is what the majority of my dear friends do; I love them- that is not how I would prefer to spend time.  If this will keep us together, it is worth it just on that.  (It's a silly reason to take a class, I know, but that's the thought behind it.)


On Saturday I learned that one of these physics friends decided to go home for the summer, so now the emergency study help group is significantly smaller.
 

I cannot take physics.  I knew this on Sunday.  I was extremely upset.

I went to talk to Dr Weber, the Physics professor (such a nice man, really like him, wish I could take his class).  We discussed my situation, he told me that we do not get to waves in Physics 121, or 122, and only barely in 221.  Also, I must take Calculus which is not offered until fall. To make a long story slightly shorter, I went to Career Services to talk to an actual Speech Pathologist (God watches out for me, I know).

I need physics of sound

favorite family reunion mini-cousin photo

This would be the perfect semester to go home and take online classes that will fulfill the prerequisites for my speech pathology grad school program.  I would take it from University of Utah online because they've put all of their undergrad classes online.  I am not (in all honesty) online education's biggest fan.  It isn't really my style as a learner.  I'm enrolled in other classes here and all of them are more common and will be offered any other time I need.  I could live at home and work and not worry about lifeguard certifications running out.   I would be fed.  I wouldn't have to pay rent.  I would be home with my family.  I love my family.  I could be at my cousin Eric AND Nate's weddings.  I could visit more family.  I could go to the family reunion.  I would get my hair cut.  I would be able to live in my house as it is getting finished (right?) I could go to my sisters' concerts.  I could go see Mary Poppins in the new Smith center.  I haven't actually signed a contract, I don't HAVE to stay.  I would go shopping with my mom and sisters who would pick out and buy my clothes for me. 

Why I should stay-

Best place ever.

I just arranged to have access to a car this summer.  It is Chris's.  He is going to the mainland with his fiance to get married and they will be back in August.  I am keeping his bed and a few boxes in the shed in my backyard and he is letting me use his car this summer.   Sweet deal.  I need it for private oboe lessons that I need to take this summer.  Why this summer?  Because I have to go to Honolulu and that takes HOURS out of your day.  It is much easier to fit that in during a summer schedule.  Chelsea wants me to sing the Flower duet with her for her Jr Vocal Recital.  I told work I would be here.  I'm registered for classes.  I already have my ticket.  Amanda, Natalie, and Becky are going to visit Hawaii in August and we have cousin dates planned. 

but when it comes down to it- All of this could be reversed.   There is still time. 

Here is the rub:  I don't want to go home.  I don't feel like I am needed there.  They love me, I love them.  Last summer I needed to be home.  I needed to help get work done on the house, I needed to be there for my friends and cousins that have now moved on to different parts of their lives.  This time I feel like I need to stay.  I feel like someone needs me here.  Though, I am skeptical about that feeling and think it is generated within myself for selfish purposes.  I am afraid that if I leave I will miss something. I don't know what- I like to think I know what, but I don't.  There are people who have distinct opinions on the "what" and I am very cautious in my agreeing with their opinions. I feel like, if I go back, I will digress; I won't keep growing, I'll have to start at square 1 when I get back in the Fall.  

I have never ever been good at discerning The Spirit.  I can never tell if it's just me wanting to do what I want to do or if it is what God wants me to do.  I know that God wants you ME to be happy, so God wants what You want.  Well- I want to want what God wants me to do.  So do I want what God wants me to want because I wanted it anyway, or do I actually want it because God originally wanted it?  Try not to get too confused on this one.  It is too easy to actually want what God wants for me.  He has never told me "No", not that I can recall.  I am a very spoiled child.  I cannot shake the feeling that I should be here for someone- I can't think who, a lot of the people I would 'be there' for are leaving.  Lets just say this outright- my girl friends are leaving, my guy friends are not.  I cannot make this decision on my own because I don't think I'll do if for the right reasons.  It is not like one road is harder than the other, both roads have merit.

It was ward Temple night on Tuesday at 5pm.  I had a concert call time at 7pm.  I decided, last minute, to go to the temple.  I was already in a dress because of Juries earlier that day and I had my recommend in my backpack.  why is it in there? God watches out for me.  I sat and tried to separate my feelings and tried to focus on what I'm actually supposed to do (I'm under the belief that it matters).
 I walked out of the baptistery at the end, Bishop was there to give me pizza
and send me on my way to my concert, but not before he asked to meet with me tonight....in a few minuets.

"Aria, tell me your plans for this summer."
<Summary of the above> Do you have a reason for me to stay?  I will if you give me a reason to.

I am First Counselor in the Relief Society until our lovely President, Heidi, leaves in May.  After that, only God knows.  And here, dear friends, is my answer.

That does not mean that I did not almost cry when I called my father.