no, you didn't fail me

Being in Cambodia, I'm a little out-of touch with everyone. My main contact is my mom, and there are consequences if we did not email at least once a day.
Thanks mom. It keeps me [fairly] sane.
 
Emails from my friends are sparse.  Promised emails from classes and professors are non-existent.  Emails from ICHope leadership are sporadic.  There are always students and co-workers who needed things though, and that is a Godsend. 

1 month after Natalie left, she assigned Greg to talk to communicate with me.  So for the next month and a half, I am under Greg's care.
But nobody is infallible.  Not even me.  Sometimes he misses the appointment, and I wait a day before saying anything about it because I know that I can't know what was going on in his life that didn't make it possible that day.  It's a very acute kind of rejection.  But I am glad-- every time-- that I'd waited, that I had listened to the part of me that is led, and not assumed that I'd simply been forgotten.

And I suppose that is the simplest example I could give you.
 
I know that I learned terrible lessons from the skype appointments that were missed. It was pain.  It was almost debilitating at times.  And when you care for these people, how do you take it?
But how could they know how much I need it when I didn't know myself?  I'm learning not to harbor the pain that they didn't even know I had.  I'm learning to build a bridge over that troubled water, and take measures to avoid falling into it.

the bridge- the last time I crossed it
on my way home from cicfo

*And you know what?  I could have done more.  There were a few times that I'd opened a door to a conversation.  But when I didn't get a reply I stopped reaching for it.  That's my bad. I could have kept doors open.
But my hand was stayed.

In the future, when I'm back in Hawaii, I'll be in a place where I can communicate with my friends freely.
More than anything, I sincerely hope that they don't think they failed.
They haven't.  They're busier than I am.  There is so much more going on around them than there is around me.  And I need this time. If God had wanted me to interact with all of the wonderful people that I know during my confinement, they would have remembered me in writing instead of just in mind.  I needed to learn to forgive, even when the pain was choking you.  I needed to learn the difference between being isolated and being lonely, and how not to be both.

They're not going to believe me, but I have very little ground on which to be offended, for no promises were broken.  No appointments were made.  We had no agreements or arrangements.  Was I lonely? Sometimes, but I was never alone.  I believe that this is as it was supposed to be.  No, you didn't fail me.

*I've edited this since it's first publication.