Why I'm not going.

So many things, but those will wait.  I'm sorry that I'm sitting on those memories, but I'm still processing.

I'm getting this question a lot.  And I realized that I never really wrote about it except in my journal but I write differently there than I do here.  This is more for me than it is for you.  Now I'll have a script for the next time someone asks: so, are you going on a mission?

I've thought about it a lot.  I've struggled and pondered and prayed and felt and I'll tell ya, it's all a jumbled mess.  Remember the mission age change for the LDS church?  Well that's a big deal.
And there are those that say it'll increase Church membership,
and I think it was a great factor (in God's scheme) as to why the USA doesn't have an LDS president,
and there are those who say that it'll increase marriages,
and there are those who think they're opening new areas like China,
and there are those who say it is to beef up the youth of the church,
and there are those who say it's revenue based,
and there are those who say that the reason the girls can go so young now is because the boys weren't dating them,
and there are those who say it was because less young people were going,
and there are those who say that it's a fad now- you're going because all your friends are going and you don't want to be left out- it's totally cool to go on a mission now. 
(for the record, it always was)

I don't make plans very far in advance.  Remember when I told you about Cambodia?  Yeah, that was 2 months before I left.  I made the final decision to stay in Hawaii this summer 1 week before the semester started.  I see my goal and I move in that direction and take whatever paths I come across, so long as they're headed in the desired direction.
I am the poster child for crossing bridges when I come to them.

And now the bridge is here.
I've decided that I'm not going on a mission. 

I'm not saying that this is the final decision.  I'll be wherever I need to be when I need to be there.  For all I know, in a year I'll change my mind.  I'm a girl, there is no cap on the age for Sister missionaries.
But for me, right now, going on a mission would be:
running away.
putting responsibility for my life on someone else.
hiding.
stalling,
delaying,
scrambling....
the quick fix.

It is taking more courage for me to decide not to go that it did for me to decide that I was going a year ago.


And (because I know you're dying to ask) the only guy that I allowed to influence this frame of mind is my Heavenly Father. 

PS- Merry Christmas!  Check out the ICHope blog for Christmasy things